The Secret to Saving a Marriage
While waiting in line I overheard the
following statement, "My boyfriend
and I are taking my son to Disney
World. He can't wait to go!" The
young mother’s conversation with
her friend gives us a peek into today's
culture. The divorce rate has hovered
around 50% for several years.Even
though recent statistics show there are
fewer divorces, the reason appears to be
fewer marriages. More and more people
are simply living together. Sadly,
professing Christians are infected by
the same disease. Why aren't marriages
working? Why are so many younger couples ready to call it quits? Is there any remedy for broken homes and single-parent families? How can a marriage be saved?
The Cultural Myth
What is love? All agree that love spawns marriage. Ask any couple why they decided to marry and without hesitation they will answer, "Because we loved each other." So, how does our society define the concept? Generally speaking, love is described in terms of feelings, emotions and passion. We expect a young man (or woman) to declare, "I just can't stop thinking about him/her. When he/she is around I feel warm, accepted, secure and loved. I'm so attracted to him/her that it hurts when we are apart. I've never felt this way about anybody before. I feel like he/she is my soulmate. I want to be around him/her all the time." Most adults have felt that way. Most marriages are a result of that intense emotional draw. Each person finds their needs met in the company of the other.
Unfortunately, the passion which draws two people together often is the reason for the demise of their relationship. Marriage counselors frequently listen to couples complaining, "We've grown apart. I don't love him/her anymore. The feelings have evaporated. It's best for us to go our separate ways. We simply don't feel anything for each other anymore. We both want to be happy." Since love is equated to feelings, the presence or absence of love in a relationship is dependent upon the intensity of passion and attraction. There's a logical progression. The longer a couple remains together, the harder it is to maintain the initial level of emotional fervor. Eventually, many couples find their marriages dull and boring. Some seek professional help attempting to rekindle what has been lost - all to no avail. Even if the initial passion is recaptured, it's only temporary and they find themselves in the same dilemma (confused and frustrated), ready to throw in the towel.
The problem resides in their concept of love, a concept cultivated by our cultural environment. People yearn to experience the "magic" of love. But, when the "magic" vanishes, they are left empty and unfulfilled. And, the "magic" will eventually fade. The most handsome (or beautiful), charismatic and personable spouse will become ordinary over time. A relationship built upon feeling and attraction is doomed to failure. So, the answer is in rethinking our definition of love. Love cannot be defined by feelings. It cannot be equated to attraction. It cannot be measured by the growth or decline of emotions.
Biblical Definition of Love
In Ephesians 5:25 the Apostle Paul wrote, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it." The words translated "love" and "loved" are from the same Greek word (agape). The meaning is "a well-reasoned intention toward another, a desire to seek what is best for another, always directed toward the welfare of another." We see this exemplified in our Lord's sacrifice for His people. Note the lack of feeling, emotion or attraction in this definition. Another example of how the word is used is found in Romans 5:8, "But God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Again, notice the lack of emotion. The Lord did not redeem us because we were attractive, or because of intense feelings between us. Paul describes us as "ungodly, sinners, without strength and enemies." Yet, in the midst of this hostility God loved us. God's love is constant for His children because it is not dependent upon emotions. It is this kind of love that truly binds a husband and wife together for life.
By now, you may be thinking, "You've ripped the heart out of marriage. A relationship without passion is like a death sentence. How could that possibly be fulfilling?" There are several practical observations based upon the biblical truth. First, the Bible's teaching on love indicates it is a learned and growing reality. The Jews in Jesus’ day understood this. They practiced a form of betrothal. Two families would agree to give their respective son and daughter in marriage when they were older. This betrothal was as legally binding as marriage itself. The Bible tells us Joseph and Mary were betrothed. Our society is repelled by that concept. But, the Jews understood that love is not tied to feelings and attraction, rather, it is learned and grows. The passion develops as a couple sacrificially gives themselves to one another. It is a reversal of our modern concept.
Second, love is a total giving to another - always seeking the welfare of the other. It is not about having your needs met. Love is always giving and self-sacrificing. It is not about finding someone who helps me realize my full potential. Love is being consumed with the potential of another. A marriage is not a 50-50 relationship. It is a binding of two people dedicated to the welfare of each other. Such a bond engenders respect from which passion springs.
Third, it is only in biblical love that stability and security can be experienced. What happens when a spouse suffers dismemberment? How is the relationship affected when a mate is brain-damaged? If love is based upon feeling and attraction, the answer is obvious. What about aging? The most beautiful people lose their looks over the years. How secure can two people be if their union is built on our society's definition of love? True freedom in a marriage relationship is only realized when it is founded upon a biblical love, a freedom that knows tragedy will never change the bond.
Fourth, it is in an environment of biblical love that children are nurtured and protected. The stability and security realized by a husband and wife is the same stability and security so desperately needed by developing children. It's in this environment that children learn commitment, faithfulness, giving and the meaning of love.
What is foreign to secular society should be common to the Christian community. Those who have experienced the unconditional love of Christ have the privilege of modeling that biblical love in their home. Not to do so is sin. May God deliver His people from the world's concept of love.
