"Help, My Spouse Is Not a Christian!"
"I thought coming to Christ would make my life easier. After all, I'm part of God's family. But, my being a Christian has caused problems and intense pressure at home. My spouse won't go to church and makes it hard on me when I do. Our values are different. Our likes and dislikes are no longer the same. Home is not a happy place. Would God expect me to stay in such a relationship?"
One of the stark realities of Christianity is its divisiveness. Few pastors/Bible teachers discuss it. In an attempt to make the gospel attractive, there is an emphasis on God's love for His people while the "negatives" are deemphasized. However, it doesn't take long for the average Christian to realize that he/she is living by different values than his/her non-Christian family and friends. This should not surprise us. The Lord said, "Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. For from now on in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law."(Luke 12:51-53) Commitment to biblical standards sets the Christian in conflict with a self-centered, unregenerate society. That conflict is often felt most painfully in the family.
Added to the pain of "division" is the Apostle Paul's command not to be "unequally yoked with unbelievers." So, what is a conscientious Christian supposed to do? Coming to Christ after marriage creates a two-sided dilemma. On the one side is an unequal yoke, while on the other is an unhappy home life. What does God expect of His children?
Paul's Teaching
A similar problem had developed in the Corinthian church during Paul's ministry. New converts found themselves in "divided homes." There were two questions that grabbed the apostle's attention: 1.) Should those new converts remain in their marriages? 2.) Does God look favorably upon the newly developed "unequal yoke"?
The Apostle's answer to these questions is found in I Corinthians 7:12-16 which reads, "12 Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a Christian man has a wife who is an unbeliever and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. 13 And if a Christian woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. 14 For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not have a godly influence, but now they are set apart for him. 15 (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a Christian insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is not required to stay with them, for God wants his children to live in peace.) 16 You wives must remember that your husbands might be converted because of you. And you husbands must remember that your wives might be converted because of you."(NLT) There are two important principles taught in this passage. First, the believing spouse is commanded to remain in the marriage providing the unbeliever is willing to remain married. This "willingness" means "a hearty agreement, a full approval." The picture is that of a non-Christian mate living in peace with his/her counterpart. The Christian should not have to tolerate excessive and continual abuse from an unconverted spouse. Second, we learn that God approves of this "Christian/non-Christian relationship." According to verse 14 the Christian brings holiness to the union. The entire family is influenced for good by his/her presence. Being united to an unbeliever is no reason to end the marriage.
Peter's Teaching
The Apostle Peter touches on the problem in his first epistle (I Peter 3:1-2). Directing his comments to Christian wives he instructs, "In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior."(NLT) Peter emphasizes the evangelistic impact a Christian wife can have on her unconverted husband. The same is true in reverse. There is no substitute for personal holiness in effectively witnessing for the Lord.
Positive Steps
If you are in an "unequal yoke" there are certain daily steps you should consider. First, it is essential to cultivate your own spiritual growth. Prayer, Bible reading and church attendance are a must. These are the building blocks for spiritual maturity. In Bible reading, God speaks to you. In prayer, you speak to God. In church attendance, you are brought together with brothers and sisters in Christ who can strengthen, encourage, edify and instruct you in practical Christian living.
Second, it is good to remind yourself of the true nature of holiness. It is best summed up in the "fruits of the Spirit" which are, "love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance" (Galatians 5:22-23). These are characteristics of one who is indwelt by the Holy Spirit, in other words, a Christian. It is important to understand that these attributes deal with the heart. Our thinking and attitudes must change if our behavior is going to change. It is futile to resolve to act better at home if we have not cultivated spiritual characteristics internally. The Christian husband who explodes under pressure cannot hope to improve unless he sees his flaw as a matter of the heart. The Christian wife who snaps at her husband in disgust must understand the same. Our behavior is an expression of our heart – our thinking, our attitudes. Paul wrote in Romans 12:1-2, “… do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Holiness begins internally, as we study the Scriptures and pray to our Lord to be conformed to Christ. When we strengthen the internal foundation we are better able to practice God-honoring behavior. This, in turn, displays an effective witness to an unconverted spouse.
Third, remember Christians are called to faithfulness, not happiness. We frequently say to ourselves, “Doesn’t God want me to be happy?” That sounds reasonable until we analyze the question. The implied answer places happiness as the priority of living. The Bible says, “Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.”(I Cor. 4:2) The Christian’s priority is to honor his/her Lord. True happiness springs from faithfulness. The apparent paradox is: God’s child can experience joy in the midst of heartache. Our greatest happiness is in obedience.
Fourth, remember the words of our Lord, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” In our most painful times, when we feel alone, when we think it can’t get any worse, our Lord is with us. We are under His eye. It is this Lord Who says to His children, “… all things work together for good to them that love God,to them who are the called according to His purpose.”(Rom. 8:28)
